The relationship with your in-laws sits in a unique category. It didn’t start with friendship or shared history — it started with love for the same person, which is a strange thing to build from. And yet, for most people, it becomes one of the longest relationships of their adult life. You’ll share holidays, milestones, losses, and dinners that stretch on longer than expected. But for many couples, the conversations with in-laws never really get past the surface. The same topics, the same updates, the same careful navigation of anything that might feel awkward. These 75 questions to ask your in-laws are a way out of that pattern. Not therapy exercises, not icebreakers — just the kinds of questions that, when asked with genuine curiosity, tend to open something real.
How to Use These Questions
You don’t need a reason or a special occasion. Some of the best conversations happen in the car, over dishes, or during a slow moment at the holidays when everyone’s full and nobody knows what to do next.
You also don’t need to ask all 75. One good question, followed up with real curiosity, does more than working through a list. The goal is to create a conversation — not to collect answers.
A few things worth keeping in mind before you start:
- Let silence be okay. Some questions take a moment to think about. That pause usually means something interesting is coming.
- Share your own answer when it feels right. Conversation is an exchange, not an interrogation. When you answer too, it invites them to go a little further.
- Follow the thread. If they mention something that catches your attention, stay there. “What was that like?” goes further than anything on this list.
- Don’t force it. If something falls flat, let it go. Some questions work better on the third visit than the first.
If you’ve ever struggled with how to help someone open up who tends to keep things surface-level, how to get someone to open up has practical techniques that apply here — and with anyone in your life who’s a little hard to reach.
Getting to Know Them as People
Here’s the thing about in-laws: you can know someone for years without really knowing them. You know their opinions about dinner time, their allergies, their holiday preferences. But do you know what they wanted to be when they grew up? What still lights them up when they talk about it? What they’re proud of that has nothing to do with their kids?
These questions treat your in-laws like full human beings with their own interior lives — which sounds obvious, but makes a bigger difference in the relationship than you’d expect.
Getting to Know Them as People
- What did you want to be when you were growing up?
- What's something you're really proud of — outside of being a parent?
- Is there a subject or skill you've always wanted to learn?
- What do you do when you need to recharge?
- What's something most people don't know about you?
- What's a belief or opinion you've changed your mind about over the years?
- Who's had the biggest influence on who you are?
- What's a book, movie, or piece of music that's stayed with you?
- What's something you're still curious about?
- If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
Their Story: Where They Come From
Everyone has a before. Before they were parents, before they were grandparents, before the life you stepped into. Asking about where someone comes from isn’t just polite — it puts the person you see today in context. And for many people, being asked about their past with genuine interest is surprisingly rare. Most of their daily conversations are about the present. The past is something they carry quietly.
Questions about background and childhood also tend to surface values and ways of seeing the world that never come up in normal conversation. You learn things that explain a lot.
Their Story: Where They Come From
- Where did you grow up, and what was it like?
- What's your favorite memory from childhood?
- What was your family like when you were growing up?
- What was your first job?
- What were you like as a teenager?
- How did your parents meet?
- Is there a place from your past you'd love to go back and visit?
- What's something your parents taught you that you still carry with you?
- What was the hardest part of growing up?
- Is there anything about your upbringing that you actively tried to do differently with your own kids?
Stories Only They Can Tell
One of the quiet gifts of getting close to in-laws is what you learn about your partner. Their parents have seen a version of them that you never will — the kid who cried at everything, the teenager who was impossible in one particular way, the person they were before they figured out who they wanted to be. These are stories that don’t come up naturally. You have to ask for them.
This category tends to produce some of the most meaningful conversations you’ll have — and some of the funniest. Your partner will probably be embarrassed by at least one of these, which is a good sign.
Stories Only They Can Tell
- What was [partner] like as a little kid?
- What's your favorite memory of [partner] growing up?
- What do you think [partner] is most proud of?
- What surprised you most about watching [partner] become who they are?
- Was there a moment you knew they were going to be okay — that they'd figured something out?
- What's a story about [partner] that gets funnier every time you tell it?
- What's something [partner] used to love as a kid that they don't talk about anymore?
- What was [partner] like in a crisis or when things got hard?
- Is there something you hope [partner] carries with them always?
- What's something about [partner] that you think I'm lucky to have in my life?
Family Traditions Worth Knowing
Every family has a way of doing things — small rituals, inherited recipes, unspoken rules about who sits where, holidays with a whole logic of their own. Some of these traditions are deeply meaningful. Others are just old habits that nobody’s thought to question. Asking about them is a way of showing you want to understand the culture you’ve married into, not just show up in it.
Understanding what matters to your in-laws’ family also helps you know what to honor and what to gently reshape as you build something new together. That starts with asking first.
Family Traditions Worth Knowing
- What's a holiday or celebration you really look forward to?
- Is there a family tradition you want to make sure keeps going?
- What does a typical Sunday look like for you?
- Is there a recipe that's been passed down in your family?
- What's a funny family story that gets told every time everyone's together?
- Are there traditions from your own childhood that you brought into your family?
- What's the most important tradition in your family, and why does it matter?
- Is there something your family does that you've never seen anywhere else?
What Made Their Relationship Last
If your in-laws have been together for decades, they have something worth asking about. Not because their relationship is perfect — nobody’s is — but because they’ve navigated things you haven’t yet. They’ve been through the seasons of it. The early years, the hard middle stretch, the versions of each other that changed. There’s usually something real underneath the long view.
These questions work best when asked with genuine curiosity rather than as a search for advice. Most people will share something worthwhile when they sense you actually want to know.
For ideas on bringing some of this back to your own relationship, 50 marriage check-in questions is a solid resource for building that same kind of long-view conversation into your partnership now.
What Made Their Relationship Last
- How did you two meet?
- What made you know this was the right person?
- What's a piece of advice you got early in your relationship that turned out to be true?
- What's something you wish you'd known earlier?
- What's something you still like to do together?
- What do you think is the real secret to making a long relationship work?
- What's the hardest thing you've gotten through together?
- Is there a way you each show up for the other that doesn't get talked about enough?
Hopes, Dreams, and What’s Ahead
A lot of conversation with in-laws stays anchored in the past or the present — what’s already happened, what’s happening now. But asking about the future invites them to think about what they still want, which can be quietly energizing for people who aren’t asked that often.
Many parents and grandparents get treated like their big plans are behind them. They’re not. There are still places they want to go, things they want to try, chapters they’re genuinely excited about. Asking about the future is a way of seeing them as someone with a story still unfolding — not just as a backdrop to yours.
Hopes, Dreams, and What's Ahead
- Is there anything you're excited about in the next few years?
- What's something still on your bucket list?
- Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
- Is there something you've always wanted to try but haven't yet?
- What do you hope the next chapter looks like?
- What do you hope for [partner] and me going forward?
- Is there a version of your life you imagined that turned out to be very different from this one?
- What do you think you're still figuring out?
When You Just Want to Keep It Light
Not every conversation needs to go deep, and not every visit is the right moment for it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just laugh together, or find out they also think that one thing is overrated, or discover they have a completely unexpected hobby you never would have guessed.
Light questions do real work. They build the kind of comfort that makes the heavier conversations possible later. They also remind everyone that connection doesn’t always have to be meaningful — sometimes it’s just fun.
If you’re hosting a gathering and want more questions that work across the whole family, family dinner conversation starters has a great collection that spans generations.
When You Just Want to Keep It Light
- What's a show you can't stop watching right now?
- What's your go-to comfort food?
- What would a perfect weekend look like for you?
- Are you a morning person or a night owl?
- Do you have a go-to karaoke song?
- What's the best meal you've ever had?
- What's a skill you've picked up later in life that surprised you?
- What's something you're weirdly good at?
- What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?
- What's something you do that brings you more joy than it probably should?
- If you had an extra day this week with nothing planned, how would you spend it?
Questions That Make You Part of the Family
There’s a category of questions that does something different from the rest. Instead of learning about them, these invite them into something shared — a two-way conversation about your relationship with each other, what you both want from it, and how to make it work going forward. These questions take a little more courage to ask. They’re a little more vulnerable. But they tend to move things forward in a way nothing else does.
The questions in this section are the ones that signal you’re not just a guest who shows up a few times a year — you’re someone who wants to actually belong.
Questions That Make You Part of the Family
- Is there something important I should know about your family that would help me fit in?
- Is there a family inside joke I should be in on so I don't feel like I'm missing something?
- What's something you'd want me to know about [partner] that they might not tell me themselves?
- Is there anything you've been curious to ask me but haven't?
- Is there something you hope we do together sometime?
- What does a really good visit look like for you?
- Is there anything I do or don't do that you've noticed — something I could do better?
- What do you think makes [partner] and me a good match?
- Is there a role you'd like to play in our life — something you're hoping for?
- What do you wish you'd known about your own in-laws when you were starting out?
A Note on Timing and Patience
Getting past small talk with in-laws isn’t something you accomplish in one visit. It develops over years — through shared meals and hard moments and conversations that don’t always go the way you planned. That’s true of any relationship that didn’t start with mutual choice.
What helps is showing up with genuine curiosity rather than an agenda. Most people open up when they sense that someone actually wants to know them — not as a parent-in-law, not as a representative of the family, but as a person with a whole life behind them and more still ahead.
The same principle works in your relationship too. If you’re looking for prompts that help you and your partner go a little deeper with each other — about where you’ve come from, what you’re hoping for, what still feels unresolved — the deepen mode in Connection Cards is built exactly for that.
You can also try the spark mode for the lighter stuff — noticing what’s good between you, remembering what you like about each other, getting out of the day-to-day for a few minutes.
Key Takeaways
- The best questions to ask your in-laws aren't about impressing them — they're about getting to know them as full people, not just as parents.
- Ask about their life before parenthood. Most people rarely get asked about it, and it usually leads to the most interesting conversations.
- Stories about your partner's childhood are something only they can give you. Ask for them before too much time passes.
- Light questions matter as much as deep ones — they build the comfort that makes everything else possible.
- The most relationship-moving questions are the ones that invite them in: "What do you hope for us?" or "Is there anything you've been curious to ask me?"
- You don't need to work through a list. Pick one or two, follow the thread, and let the conversation go where it goes.
Related Articles
- 100 Questions to Ask Your Parents (Before It’s Too Late)
- 75 Family Dinner Conversation Starters Beyond ‘How Was School?’
- How to Get Someone to Open Up: 10 Techniques for Deeper Conversations
- 50 Marriage Check-In Questions for Stronger Connection
- How to Keep a Conversation Going: 12 Techniques That Actually Work
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the best questions to ask your in-laws when you first meet them?
Start light. Questions about where they grew up, what they do to relax, or what they’re enjoying lately are easy to answer and usually lead somewhere interesting. Save heavier questions — about relationships, parenting philosophy, or the future — for when you’ve built some comfort together. “What were you like when you were young?” is a surprisingly good early question because almost everyone has something they want to say about it.
How do I start a deeper conversation with in-laws who keep everything surface-level?
Often the easiest way in is through curiosity about their past. “What’s a memory that still makes you laugh?” or “What was [partner] like as a kid?” are low-stakes questions that most people engage with easily. Share your own answer when it feels right — that tends to open things up more than pressing for a deeper response. And go slowly. Some relationships take years to find their real depth, and that’s fine.
What if my in-laws aren’t very talkative?
Closed questions (“Did you enjoy it?”) die faster than open ones (“What was it like?”). With quieter in-laws, try questions that are specific and easy to picture — memories rather than opinions, stories rather than analysis. Asking through an activity also helps: cooking together, a walk, watching something. Side-by-side conversation often flows more naturally than face-to-face.
Is it okay to ask in-laws personal questions about their relationship or past?
It depends on the relationship and the moment. Questions about how they met or what they’ve learned from a long marriage are usually welcome — most people like being asked about their relationship when they sense genuine interest. Questions about difficult or painful parts of their past are better saved for when you’ve established real trust. Lead with lighter versions of any question and follow their lead. If they go somewhere unexpected and deep, follow them.
How is talking to in-laws different from talking to your own parents?
With your own parents, you share history — these questions fill in gaps you didn’t know existed. With in-laws, you’re building the relationship closer to zero. That can actually make it easier to ask certain questions (there’s less accumulated history to navigate), but harder in others (you’re still figuring out the tone, the sensitivities, the things you don’t know you don’t know). The approach is similar either way: lead with genuine curiosity, don’t rush it, and remember that the goal isn’t to have a great conversation — it’s to keep showing up until you do.