50 Questions to Ask Before Making It Official: The 'What Are We?' Conversation

You’ve been seeing each other for a while now. Things are good — maybe really good. But there’s this question that keeps circling in the back of your mind: what are we, exactly? You haven’t said it out loud yet. Maybe they haven’t either. And so you keep showing up, enjoying each other, and quietly wondering if you’re on the same page. The questions to ask before making it official aren’t always obvious — and that uncertainty is exactly what makes this conversation feel so heavy before it even starts.

It doesn’t have to be. Most of the time, the “what are we” conversation is hard because nobody wants to go first — not because the answer is actually complicated. Having the right questions ready can take some of that pressure off. These 50 questions are organized to help you understand where you both stand, what you’re each looking for, and whether this is heading somewhere you both actually want to go.

Why This Conversation Feels So Hard

There’s a reason people put off the “making it official” conversation for weeks — sometimes months. It’s not just nerves. It’s the fear of making something real that you might have to lose. As long as you don’t ask, you can still imagine the best version of the answer.

But that limbo has a cost. It’s hard to show up fully for something when you don’t know what it is. You start reading into texts. You wonder about plans they make without you. You hold back in ways you wouldn’t if you knew you were actually in this together.

And the longer you wait, the more loaded the question becomes.

These questions aren’t about rushing something good or forcing a label before it’s ready. They’re about trading guesswork for honesty — with each other and with yourself — so you can make a real decision instead of just drifting.

Before You Start: A Few Things Worth Knowing

Before you sit down with these questions, it helps to be clear with yourself about what you’re hoping for. Are you hoping for a specific answer? That’s okay — just know it going in. The goal isn’t to get the answer you want. It’s to find out what’s actually true for both of you.

A few things to keep in mind:

There’s no perfect timing. Having this conversation a little early is always better than having it much too late. If you’re feeling ready, that’s probably signal enough.

You don’t need to cover all 50 questions in one sitting. Some of these are conversation openers. Others will come up naturally over time. Think of them as a map of the terrain, not a checklist to complete.

If you’re nervous, say so. “I’ve been wanting to ask you something and I’m a little nervous about it” is one of the most honest things you can say — and it usually makes the other person feel safer, not more guarded.

Where You Both Stand Right Now

Before you start thinking about where things are going, it’s worth getting clear on where things actually are. These questions are about the emotional reality of the present moment.

Questions About Where You Stand

How would you describe what we are to someone who asked?
Is there anything you've been holding back because you weren't sure where we stood?
Do you feel like we're moving in a direction, or more like we're seeing what happens?
What does "official" mean to you — is it a feeling, a conversation, a label, or something else?
Have you been thinking about this too?
Is there anything about what we have right now that you'd want to protect or not change?
How do you feel when you think about us being exclusive?
Is there anyone else you're seeing or talking to that I should know about?
How do you feel about me — not where you want this to go, just right now?
What would feel different to you if we made this official?

These questions don’t require big declarations. Sometimes the most useful thing you’ll learn is whether the other person has been thinking about this at all — and if so, how.

What You’re Both Looking For

Knowing where you stand right now is one thing. Knowing where you’re each trying to go is another. Mismatched intentions aren’t always dealbreakers, but they’re always worth knowing about.

Questions About What You Want

Are you looking for something serious, or more casual — and have you been upfront about that?
Do you want a relationship that eventually leads to marriage? Or is that not something you're working toward?
What does a committed relationship look like to you in day-to-day life?
How important is it to you that the person you're with wants kids? Do you want kids?
Are you at a place in your life where you can actually show up for a real relationship right now?
What do you need from a partner that you haven't always gotten before?
Is there a version of this you'd want to avoid?
What would make you feel like this relationship was worth it a year from now?
What's your instinct about us — does it feel right to you?
Is there anything you'd want to know about where I see this going?

The question about whether they’re actually available — emotionally, practically, in terms of where they are in life — is one that doesn’t get asked enough. Someone can want a relationship in theory and still not be ready for one in practice.

How You Both Handle the Hard Parts

The connection is one part of the equation. How you navigate the inevitable friction is the other. A relationship that looks easy in the early months often runs into the first real test and reveals patterns neither person anticipated. These questions help surface those patterns early.

Questions About Communication and Conflict

How do you usually handle conflict in a relationship — do you lean in or pull back?
Have there been moments in the past few months where I did something that bothered you? Did you say anything?
What do you do when you need space? And how would you want me to respond to that?
Are you someone who needs a lot of check-ins and reassurance, or do you prefer more independence?
When something's off between us, how would you want me to bring it up?
What's the thing that's most likely to make you shut down in an argument?
Have you ever ended a relationship because of a communication problem? What happened?
How do you feel about being vulnerable — is that easy for you, hard, somewhere in between?
When something's bothering you, do you tend to say it or sit on it?
If this became a real relationship and we hit a rough patch, what would you want us to do about it?

For a deeper look at how to actually have these harder conversations once you’re in a relationship, the Couples Communication Guide goes into this in detail.

Values and Where You’re Headed

You don’t need perfect alignment on everything. But you do need to know where you’re both pointed — because the things that seem minor now have a way of becoming load-bearing later.

Questions About Values and Direction

How important is your career or work to your sense of who you are?
Are you happy where you live, or is there a part of you thinking about being somewhere else?
What does your relationship with your family look like, and how much does that shape your life?
What matters most to you — what would you say you actually live by?
How do you handle money — are you a saver, a spender, somewhere in between?
How do you feel about religion or spirituality — is that something that's central to your life?
Are your friendships something you'd want a partner to be part of, or do you keep those pretty separate?
What does "a good life" look like to you ten years from now?
Is there anything about the way I live or the things I value that you'd have a hard time with long term?
What's something about your life right now that you're trying to change or build?

If you want to go deeper on the big-picture questions — not just before making it official, but as the relationship develops — the /connect/vision/ deck is built for exactly that: talking about where you’re headed together, at whatever pace feels right.

The Practical Side

The big feelings matter. So does the everyday reality. These questions are about the logistics and expectations that often go undiscussed until they cause friction.

Questions About the Practical Reality

How much time together feels right to you — what does a good week look like?
Are you comfortable being public about us — telling people, social media?
What do your close friends or family know about me?
Is there anything about your schedule or your life right now that would make a relationship hard?
Do you want to meet each other's people — friends, family — and when does that feel right?
What does staying in touch look like for you — daily texts, calls, something more relaxed?
What's something that would make you feel secure in a relationship?
Is there anything about what we've been doing that you'd want to stop or change if we make this official?
How do you feel about the way we've been spending time together — is there more of that you'd want?
What would you want me to know going in — anything you haven't said yet?

That last question is worth holding space for. There’s often something people have been carrying that they didn’t know how to bring up without a direct opening. Asking for it directly usually surfaces it.

How to Actually Use These Questions

You don’t need to read from this list like it’s an interview. Think of these as a map — you’re going to cover most of this ground eventually, whether you’re deliberate about it or not. Being intentional just means you get there on purpose instead of by accident.

Some people do this best over dinner or a walk — somewhere low-pressure where the conversation can breathe. Others prefer a direct opening: “I want to talk about where we are. Is that okay?” Then let it unfold.

Don’t try to cover all five categories in one conversation. Start with where you both stand and what you’re each looking for. That’s often enough to surface the most important things — and the rest will follow naturally over time.

If you want a gentler way in, the /connect/deepen/ deck has questions built specifically for going past the surface into what matters, without the pressure of a formal conversation.

What to Do With the Answers

The answers you get here aren’t a report card. They’re information. Some of what you hear will feel good. Some of it might be hard. What matters is that you’re working with reality instead of guessing.

If the answers align — if you find you’re both in the same place and both want the same things — the conversation becomes a foundation. You’re not just compatible; you’ve actively chosen to be. That’s worth something.

If the answers don’t align — if one of you is looking for something different, or not ready, or moving at a different pace — that’s valuable too. Knowing early means you can make an honest choice, instead of letting ambiguity string you both along.

The goal of this conversation isn’t to get a particular answer. It’s to find out what’s actually true — and decide from there.

For the next step after this conversation, How to Have the ‘What Are We’ Conversation Without Losing Your Mind and The DTR Conversation: 50 Questions to Ask Before Being Exclusive both go deep on how to navigate the conversation itself, not just the questions going into it.

Key Takeaways

The "what are we" conversation is hard because of fear, not complexity — having the right questions ready takes some of that pressure off
Start with where you both stand emotionally before moving to future plans and values
You don't need to cover everything in one sitting — these questions work across multiple conversations
How someone handles conflict and vulnerability is often more telling than what they say they want
Mismatched answers aren't always dealbreakers, but they're always worth knowing about early
The goal isn't to get a specific answer — it's to know what's actually true for both of you

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I bring up the “what are we” conversation without it feeling like a big deal?

The framing matters more than the words. Starting with something like “I’ve been thinking about us and wanted to check in” tends to feel less like a confrontation than “we need to talk about what this is.” Being honest about your own nervousness — if you have it — also helps. It signals that you’re bringing this from a place of caring, not ultimatum.

How many of these questions should I actually ask?

You don’t need to work through all 50. A good “what are we” conversation usually only needs to cover a handful of core questions: how you each feel right now, what you’re both looking for, and whether those things align. The other questions are there for when the conversation goes deeper, or for separate conversations over time. Start with what matters most to you and let the rest unfold naturally.

What if we want different things?

That depends on what the difference is. Some differences in pace or readiness can be navigated — one person needs a little more time, for example, and that’s a conversation. Other differences are more fundamental: one person wants marriage and children, the other doesn’t. Those are harder to bridge, and the earlier you know, the better for both of you. Finding out you want different things is not a failure of the conversation. It’s exactly what the conversation is for.

When is the right time to have this conversation?

There’s no universal answer, but a few signals tend to be reliable: you’ve been seeing each other consistently for a couple of months, you find yourself thinking of them in terms of plans beyond the near future, or you’re starting to feel uncertain about where things stand. If you’re asking yourself whether it’s time, it probably is. The alternative — waiting until one person is clearly more invested than the other — is usually harder on both people.

What if they’re not ready to make it official?

That’s worth taking seriously. “Not ready” can mean a lot of things — they need more time to feel sure, they have something going on in their life that makes commitment feel hard right now, or they don’t see this going somewhere serious. The follow-up question is which of those it is. Someone who isn’t ready but wants to get there is different from someone who isn’t ready and isn’t working toward it. You deserve to know which situation you’re in.